Review – The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You
The Must-Have Self-Help Manual for Singles Who Think Dating Bites
Oct 1, 2009
The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You, by Vlad Mezrich (Scholastic), is a tongue-in-cheek look at the ups and downs of loving a vampire. This book is for the fang-bangers of True Blood,the teens and moms of Twilight,and beyond. Any fan of the vampire genre – those who drool for old-school Dracula or new-school Cullen – will be greatly rewarded by this innocent-looking little tome. In fact, you’ll be in stitches (and not because you’re bleeding from puncture wounds).
Vampire vs. Wanna-Be
This dating guide and how-to for dating the immortal beloved begins with the most important topic: determining whether the guy you’re crushing on is an honest-to-goodness vampire, or just a vampire poseur.
Once you’ve distinguished between the real sexy undead and the wanna-be “wussy, lame, inarticulate pamphlet of human inadequacy” – by examining his online profile, interpreting what he says, and analyzing his physical appearance – it’s time to move on and figure out how (and where) to find the right vampire for you. Laugh-out-loud illustrations and captions spell it all out in detail.
Immortals are not all the same, of course, unlike the “completely interchangeable humans,” 99.999 percent of whom are, “Thoughtless guys who are too full of themselves to care enough about you, or even call you back in a timely fashion.” (By the way, the rest of that 100 percent is made up of Barack Obama and Johnny Depp and that’s it.)
What Vampires Want
The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You explains that it’s not all about a girl loving a vampire. You have to be the vampire’s type as well – blood type, among other things. After all, it’s his eternity too and he should get a say in the matter.
Vampires are notorious for playing hard to get, so Vlad Mezrich (a pen name, in case you were wondering) outlines the things that will drive a vampire wild, in a good way: from scents (like desperation) to fashion and makeup choices.
Quizzes will help vamp-lovers figure out if you’re someone he can sink his fangs into or not (and don’t skip over the enlightening testimonials from women and vampires who have been-there-done-that).
Communication Breakdown
Sometimes when a vampire says, “I want to suck your blood,” he doesn’t really mean it literally. The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You translates vampire-speak and body language (whether he’s talking, emailing, texting, brooding, or ignoring your neck) so his message can be truly understood (after all, women are from Venus and vampires are from Forks, or Volterra, or Louisiana). Handy bonus: pick-up lines that’ll make a vampire hot.
Compromise is a crucial relationship component whether one or both people have blood pumping through their veins and Mezrich (one of the legion of the undead himself) explains how a human can negotiate their needs with those of the vampire. He was even open-minded enough to include a few tips from an over-protective vampire slayer!
Maintaining Your Relationship
Everyone knows relationships are work, and going steady with an immortal can create a complication in even the healthiest of love matches. The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You offers up “Ten Tips for Dating a Much, Much, Much Older Man,” common mistakes to avoid when dating a vampire, how to read his moods, and tips on how to cook for him!
From taking it to the next level, to meeting his friends, to introducing him to your family (and, yes, getting to know his coven) Mezrich covers the basics of keeping your pairing perfect. Twilight fans will find particular joy in Constructing the Infinite Vampire Playlist as well as Romantic Things He Should Be Doing (e.g. watching you sleep).
The Beginning or the End?
Of course, The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You covers the biggest question of all: whether you’re ready to take the ultimate step in your relationship and become a vampire yourself. If eternity isn’t the future plan, there could come a point when a vampire-human relationship has been bled dry – Mezrich outlines the signs, and provides resources and advice for overcoming a vampire addiction (which could include dating another supernatural creature, so there’s hope yet for all the Sookie Stackhouse’s in training).
Love Twilight, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, or just have a thing for immortals? This petite volume – available at bookstores nationwide – is a must-read. Audible laughter is practically guaranteed.
Featuring a brief interview with the Scholastic editor, the Publisher’s Weekly review of The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You tells the great story of how this book came to be.
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